Strong Enough For a Man...

One man, one face to shave.  Inconsistently.

Five women, TEN legs to shave.  And ten underarms.  And whatever else women try to defoliate.  So you can imagine what some of my household budget must be geared toward:

And lots of refill blades.

And don't forget:

These products get a little pricey.  I mean they have to cost a lot, because they are SO effective at treating a lady like a lady.  Just look at the list of slogans:

Gillette Venus: "Reveal the Goddess In You."  There's a goddess in there, ladies, and only Venus can bring her out.
Schick Quattro for Women: "Free Your Skin."  Hasn't your skin been held captive long enough?
Bic Soleil: "Feel Fabulous For Less." Ok, well this one is a little antithetical to my point.
Skintimate Shave Cream: "Get Inspired."  With products name that include: Flirty, Meadows, Luscious, and Rain.

A year ago, I bought each woman in my household their very own razor and a few cans (now rust-proof!) of moisturizing shaving GEL.  Then, I spoiled myself with my Mach 3 razor, some extra cartridges, and a cheap can of Colgate Shave Cream.  We were set!

Within a month, I heard the following complaint: "Who took my razor?!"
A week later: "Who took MY razor?!!"
Two weeks later, all razors were gone.   Except mine.  Until the following week.

That's when my voice bellowed from the bathroom.  "Has anyone seen my razor?"  My wife replied that I should check the shower.  Really?  The shower?  But there it was.  Weird.

Next to kidnap my razor was my 13-year-old.  She brought it to me with a smile and a commentary.  "Your shaver works really good!"

After the women took my razor for a few more laps through the various showers in the house, I decided it was time to go buy them new razors.  (Apparently, women's razors have a set residential limit, where they can only exist in the house for a limited time, because they were gone.)

At Target, there was much discussion and product comparison.  I wandered into the electronics section, since that's what guys do.  When I came back to see the final decisions, I was a little taken back.  In front of me stood three women, smiling brightly, and each holding their very own Mach 3 (for men).

"They work much better than ours," said my wife.  "Yeah, they're not as itchy," said my youngest.  I'm still not sure what that means, but I've never shaven my legs, or armpits, or whatever.

Well, at least I get mine back.  I approved, picked up some replacement cartridges (which cost more than the shaver) and headed toward the register.

"Wait!" they almost said in unison, "we need shaving cream."  Okay, let them get their flowery, aromatic, fruity shave gel.  After all, they are "luscious" and "meadow-y."  But they came back with two cans of Colgate Beard Cream (for men).  I didn't ask.

So, I ask the shaving industry for women: Why?  Why do you advertise and sell the likes of Venus, and Soleil, and Skintimate, and all the fluffy, smelly stuff when they prefer to use products for men?  These women of mine even prefer to smell like a man, rather than to smell like a flirty raspberry or a rainy mountain.

They prefer to use a Mach 3, which is the "best a man can get," for their soft and delicate lady-parts.  In fact, they all complained that the lady razors cut them, tore their skin off, and made them "itch" (there's that word again).

I'm beginning to think that shaving truly is a job for a unisex tool.  Kind of like mixing pancake batter--there is no set of "just for men" beaters and another set of "spring meadows" mixers for women.  Besides, how would the flapjacks taste?

Anyway, here we are, a whole year later, where all of us have our very own Mach 3.  And we all share the same can of Barbasol shave cream (for men).  Or we did, until this morning, when the women heard me yell from the bathroom, "Where's my razor?"

And I can't find my Barbasol, but the "Sparkling Rain" from Pure Silk sure makes my face feel luscious.